In The Eye Of The Storm

You may stop to wonder to yourself what may be the purpose of such a title as. "In the eye of the Storm", but in this great big world we call life, there are many different ways to express our devout feelings and underlaying emotions attached to a degree of different experiences.
My coming back home to the city of my birth, was in some ways a very good thing, and in other ways... a real test to see how strong I can find myself to be emotionally.  I came back home to stay with my sister Dee.  And if you knew anything at all about Dee`s & my relationship throughout our past, you would slap me and ask why, I would ever even consider coming home to be subject to the sibling torment that accompanies interactions between the two of us.

We never had an easy upbringing.  My mother was an abusive alcoholic control freak, my father was almost never home, instead he was shacked up with my best highschool friend Lee`s mom, in what was likely his self exploration of the Kama Sutra.  Dee was the oldest child, my other sister Joanna was the middle and perfect child, and I was the youngest.

People may think that its the baby of the family who is able to get away with everything, but in our disfunctional little piece of paradise, this couldn`t have been further from the absolute truth.  In our family, Joanna was Queen Bee.  She was the sporty one, she was popular, worked with charity organizations, and was the apple of our mother`s eye.  Likely because she most resembled our mother at a young age.

Dee was always dating fucktard abusive emotionally degrading guys who our parents would never approve of, and landing herself in a hole where our parents would have to pick her up again.  Me on the other hand...  I got in to a group of friends who lead me as far away as I could possibly get to from my family and their abusive politics.  Both physically, and mentally.

Dee learned from a young age that if she wanted to be noticed that she had to play follow the leader, as she was never the type that others would ever deliberately choose to follow.  Joanna, learned that she was better than everybody else, and I learned that i would have to watch out for myself.  Since living in adulthood, Dee became Joanna`s little minnion, she would jump if Joanna saw fit, and even do things just to gain accceptance from my mother and Joanna.

Until, Joanna took it all as a way to claw her way to the top, stepping on any toes she had to in order to get ahead.  I spent years and years away from my family because it was all just a little bit too fucked up for my liking.  But no matter how far I moved away, and which life I tried to lead...  I was always unsuccessful in what I did, because I was never shown or taught how life was supposed to be.  Instead I had to live and make all of the wrong decisions for myself over and over again, until it sunk in that maybe, I would need to change my path in life to something a bit more beneficial.

And so here I am yet again...  Back in the city of my birth, with a neurotic, demanding sister who holds the cards in her hands.  She is able to yell at me, and treat me like garbage, even though I am here at her beck and call, doing all of the things she wants and needs.  And if I dare have any kind of disagreement or difference of opinion, she asks me if I want somewhere to be.  Letting me know in her way that she has the power to force my life in to an evil and hard direction.

I am not entirely sure, but in my mind, it is like by bossing me around and telling me what to do, it gives Dee a kind of feeling that allows her to feel like the leader of the pack.  Entitling herself to a mess of power using idle threats and manipulative power to get what she wants.  And this is likely not even her intention or fault, but she so desires the chance to be the leader, that she`s willing to go to any length in order to have the power which she was never really able to posess in any other fascett of her natural life.

So... for right now I am in a kind of hell on earth, but It is only for as long as I allow myself to be here.  If I make the right decisions this time round, then I will be able to hold the cards within my own life, and move forward in to a more positive direction, and choose whether or not to have the conversation with her about her actions and how they can have a very negative impact on the lives of others.

She attends a bible study group every tuesday morning, and it reminds me of our child hood as well.  My dad was an adulterer and he was a bible study pastor for a baptist church.  My mother is one of the biggest jesus freaks (Pardon my pun) but...  after beating her kids blue, and turning them in to emotional cripples, she would march in to church and help those in need, or else thats what she wanted everyone to believe.  And now my sister Dee...  She yells and gets mad, and treats people like garbage within her life and on tuesday she gets to be the model christian woman at her bible study.
Do you see where this can lead in to problems ?

I sure do :)

But at least I can have something interesting to blog about, and in turn...
you will have something interesting to read about :)

xo for now,

Katerena